Happy Hour Heroes

There's a great article on Phat Phree that describes the Happy Hour Heroes. If you're too lazy to click on the link, it basically describes the working folk who use Happy Hour as an excuse to drink for 9 hours in their business clothes. These are the guys that you see at the bar at 2 am with sweat stains under their arms, their ties wrapped around their heads, and a gin and tonic on the front of their shirts. And just so often (read: every week) I participate in this ritual.

Last night, a girl in the office "won" a Happy Hour at a bar in downtown Cleveland. Basically, all we "won" was free food, but hey, that's cool. Anyway, there were a few older guys from the office out joining us younger workers to try and drink away the pain of being married and having kids. I would suggest that if you have the chance to drink with older coworkers (preferably male), do it for the following reasons:

1. The mid-forties coworker (MFCW) will almost always buy way too many rounds to show the other MFCWs that he's making some serious money. All you have to do is keep pace and you drink for free. It's that simple. I got to the bar last night at 5:30 and didn't pay for a drink until 8:00. You do the math.

2. The MFCW will also tend to hit on the younger female coworkers and their friends regardless of whether or not MFCW is married. This is both funny and uncomfortable, which to me is a perfect combination. These pathetic displays almost always include the phrases, "Don't ever get married" and "No, I'm not hitting on you."

3. Moderate levels of swearing are OK in some offices, but come Happy Hour, the MFCW will suddenly sound like a trucker on meth. This leads in perfectly to my next point...

4. War Stories. These include both work related war stories and college war stories. The college war stories are the best because they're so far fetched you can actually see the thought process while they're being told. "You kids today don't know SHIT! Back in my day, we didn't buy beer, we, uh, STOLE it. Yeah! From cops! Hot female cops who we had, uh, sex with while we were stealing it! What? FUCK YOU! Anyway... It was AWESOME! Who wants another drink? I'm buying!"

5. The call to the wife. This is by far the best part. There is only one thing that can take down MFCW besides that third shot of tequila: the wife. This call usually signals the end of the night for MFCW. The wife is pissed and MFCW is gonna get an earful when he comes home. The wife is able to reduce the once brash, loud MFCW into a groveling mess. It's almost a little sad. Except it's not.

So here's to you, Happy Hour Heroes. Hope that hangover goes away by Monday.