Apples vs Oranges

Last night, I went to a concert and ran into a girl I used to date who was there with another guy. Upon first glance, it appeared as if he had a wispy mustache and I was wondering what a good looking girl like her would be doing with a guy with a little bit of dirt on his upper lip. This also lead me to think about whether or not I would rather have the guys that date the girls I used to date be better looking than me or worse looking than me.

(Editor’s note: I consider myself fairly attractive, but definitely not the best looking guy in the world. On any given night, I’d put myself in the category of “Guy who could probably take home the not so pretty roommate of the hottest girl in the bar.” I’m also comfortable enough in my sexuality to properly evaluate the guys I’m about to discuss. So don’t even bother with the “you know how I know you’re gay” jokes.)

If the guy your ex-girlfriend dates after you is better looking than you, then you can at least assume that she’s a good looking girl and you were fortunate enough to have dated her and quite possibly have seen her naked. I mean, imagine if Brad Pitt dated your ex-girlfriend directly after you. You could tell people, “Yeah, I’m single, but my ex is now dating Brad Pitt.” This either means that a.) Brad Pitt is slumming it or b.) your ex is extremely hot and worthy of entry into Brad Pitt’s Fight Club. Plus, you could point out to girls that you dated a girl that Brad Pitt currently dates and that you technically “had her” first, which means that Mr. Pitt is wallowing in your sloppy seconds. Ok, so maybe I wouldn’t bring up the sloppy seconds part, but you get the point.

But seeing how Ohio isn’t running around with a bunch of Brad Pitt clones, you have to compare yourself to what’s out there. Most guys that girls date in Cleveland fall into the frat guy/chachi type and wear popped colored shirts, use too much hair gel and “know a guy” who can get roofies. These guys are almost always douchebags, but they’re also probably semi-good looking. Since we’re judging these suitors on their looks and not their asshole personalities, this would definitely cause me to take an extra couple of shots if I saw an ex out with one of these fucktards.

But let’s say you see your ex with a dopey looking guy who may or may not have a wispy mustache, a lazy eye and/or a clubbed foot. Now this is where it gets tricky. From a personal pride view point, I can say, well, at least I’m better looking than that carnival freak show. But on the other hand, you begin to wonder that if she’s with a guy that looks like Sloth from The Goonies do you fall into that same category. Are you, in fact, some variation of Sloth?

The answer is no, except for your mutual love of Baby Ruth's. You have a very positive sense of self and this guy obviously has a ton of money. There is no other reason.

So this brings me to my own personal scorecard and the judgments I have made about the guys that my exes date after me. Keep in mind that I am well known for my dry spells, hence, the lack of girlfriends (or girls I’ve dated longer than a week but not long enough to call a girlfriend) I discuss below.

For the sake of anonymity, I won’t use real names here. I’m such a nice guy.

The College Girlfriend – She was the last girl I dated in college and we broke up several months after I graduated and moved away. The last time I saw her, she was engaged to a kid with red hair. Now, I have no problem with girls with red hair, but guys with red hair kind of creep me out. They’re almost always really pale and border on having albino like qualities. So in this case, I was kinda bummed out that she went from a normal looking guy like me to a Ginger. Advantage: Me.

The Photographer – I dated her for a few months, but it wasn’t all that serious. I ran into her about a year after we broke up and she was engaged. Wow, that was quick. The kicker was that she was engaged to a friend of hers who was always hanging around us when we were dating. Sweet. Excuse me while I go schedule some blood work. Anyway, he’s kind of a doughy looking guy who was always staring at me funny. Advantage: Me.

The Poet – This relationship began like so many others on a Thursday night several hours past the Happy One. She was kinda seeing some other guy at the time we first started dating, but that didn’t stop me. After we broke up, we didn’t talk for a while, but then I ran into her again and we started hanging out. It was this second go around when we started running into people and having this conversation:

Poet: Oh hey, this is so and so.
Me: Nice to meet you.
So and So: You too. (Walks away)
Me: Who was that?
Poet: Oh, some guy I used to date.
Me: Before or after me?
Poet: After.

Repeat twenty times.

In all honesty, The Poet is one of my dear friends so I won’t say anything bad about her except that she dates a lot of guys. I mean, a lot. The girl can’t say no – to a date. Can’t say no to date. Just wanted to clarify.

As far as the guys she’s dated after me, it’s kind of a toss up. I’ve won some, I’ve lost some. Advantage: Push.

The Girl Who Works in my Building: I actually met her at a bar, but we both recognized each other since we parked in the same garage and walked to our building a few steps away from each other. She’s also the girl I saw at the concert last night with Wispy. I should note that upon closer inspection he didn’t have a mustache, but he was wearing a poofy vest sort of thing that looked like he stole it from Marty McFly. So, on style points alone, I win. (There’s a “Power of Love” joke in here somewhere, but I just can’t find it.) Advantage: Me.

I think almost everyone hates seeing his ex out with another guy regardless of the other guy’s looks because at some point, you presumably had feelings for this girl and now she’s with him. So you cope with that by convincing yourself you’re better than him even if he happens to be better than you for her. (Got that? I think I’m going to submit that line to the writers of Grey’s Anatomy.) Or you just write about it on a blog that only a few people will read and hope none of the girls you used to date ever reads it.