No, really, it's not my fault.

I’ve noticed a disturbing trend that I need to share with you. It offends me on a number of different levels, but mostly I think it’s a matter of grown men not manning up their behaviors and actions and using the one scapegoat that has given me so much joy: alcohol. Of course, I’m talking about douchebags checking themselves into alcohol rehab facilities after they do something illegal, immoral or just plain stupid.

Mel Gibson – Did you know that Mel Gibson was actually born in New York and not in Australia? (Me neither. Thanks, Wikipedia!) He actually lived in the land down under from 1968 to 1985, but he was still born in the good ol’ U.S. of A. This is the equivalent of someone being born and educated in New England but claiming himself as a Texan. So, there’s strike number one against Mel.

Now, Mel is in one of my all time favorite movies, Braveheart. It’s got gratuitous violence and even shows the side of a booby, which was a big deal for a 15 year old. He was also pretty good in the Lethal Weapon movies and I thought we should have put him on the face of a coin after he made The Patriot. So how does Mel repay us? By drunk driving through the streets of Malibu after one too many Fosters. Mad Max? Try Mad Dog, pal.

As if drunk driving wasn’t bad enough, Mel then goes on an anti-Semitic rant accusing the Jews of being responsible for all of the wars in the world and then also calling a female officer “sugar tits”. (I actually have no problem with the “sugar tits” remark. I find this to behavior to be quite awesome.) This is after the fact that many (read: Jewish) people saw The Passion of the Christ as being anti-Semitic and Mel’s dad gave in an interview in which he said that the Holocaust never happened. Mel is in quite a bind. What could he do to absolve himself of this?

Let’s go to rehab!

Mel checked himself into rehab shortly after this little P.R. fiasco and just gave his first interview with Diane Sawyer a few days ago. I didn’t see the interview, but I’m guessing it went something like this:

Diane: So, explain your anti-Semitic remarks.
Mel: Listen, love, that wasn’t me talking. It was the booze. The booze is anti-Semitic, not me.
Diane: Do you expect us to believe that?
Mel: Yes. You see, I went to rehab where I exercised my demons that the Jews put in there to begin with. Everybody knows that the Jews were the first people to make alcohol, using it on the Jewish Shabbat. So, once I was able to exercise these Jewish devils – uh – demons, I was cured.
Diane: Makes sense to me. Mazel Tov!

You see what he did there? He blamed his love of the sauce for his racism and bigotry. Once you put the blame on something else and then take care of that problem, you’re completely absolved of your asshole-ish behavior. Listen up, Mel. You’re an anti-Semitic asshole and that’s something that rehab can’t change.

Man up, Mr. Gibson, and take responsibility for being a racist, bigoted prick. Or, you could just keep your trap shut and save the anti-Semitism for next Gibson family reunion.

Mark Foley – Our next individual is everyone’s favorite Congressional pervert. It was recently discovered that Rep. Mark Foley (FL) was sending inappropriate IMs and e-mails to underage male pages that worked in the Capitol building. I’ll give you a sample:

Xxxxxxxxx (7:41:57 PM): ugh tomorrow i have the first day of lacrosse practice
Maf54 (7:42:27 PM): love to watch that
Maf54 (7:42:33 PM): those great legs running
Xxxxxxxxx (7:42:38 PM): haha…they arent great
Xxxxxxxxx (7:42:45 PM): thats why we have conditioning
Xxxxxxxxx (7:42:56 PM): 2 days running….3 days lifting
Xxxxxxxxx (7:43:11 PM): every week
Xxxxxxxxx (7:43:14 PM): until the end of march
Maf54 (7:43:27 PM): well dont ruin my mental picture
Xxxxxxxxx (7:43:32 PM): oh lol…sorry
Maf54 (7:43:54 PM): nice
Maf54 (7:43:54 PM): youll be way hot then
Xxxxxxxxx (7:44:01 PM): haha…hopefully
Maf54 (7:44:22 PM): better be

Yeah, creepy shit right there.

So, Mr. Foley does what any self respecting person caught with his hands in the cookie jar (cookie jar = own pants) does and declares himself an alcoholic and checks himself into rehab. Ok, so I’ve done some stupid things when I’m drunk and have definitely made some poor decisions. However, those were relatively harmless and I was eventually cleared on all charges. But the main point is that however stupid my actions or words were, they didn’t mask who I really am: a horny, desperate, sometimes self-loathing 26 year old looking for love in all the wrong, yet legal, places. It’s not as if I get bombed and then start coming on to homeless people or start friend requesting 14 year old girls on MySpace. Instead, I strap on my beer goggles and generally make an ass of myself. Do I feel bad about it the next day? Sure. Do I feel better once my blood test results come back (fairly) clean? Absolutely. But the point is that I’m not engaging in illegal behavior and then blaming it on the booze.

Man up, Rep. Mark Foley, for the person that you truly are: a disturbed 50-something year old man with a penchant for teenage boys. And after all of this is said and done, move to Thailand. That shit is legal there.

Bob Ney – For those of you not into the whole “politics” thing, Rep. Bob Ney (OH) recently pleaded guilty to charges of conspiracy to commit fraud and making false statements and was involved with lobbyist Jack Abramhoff, who also pleaded guilty to a number of charges. After his sentencing, Ney informed the press that he will resign from Congress and that he will request a prison with an alcohol rehab facility. Big effing surprise.

Hey, Bob, you know what’s a really good way to stop drinking? Getting passed around a prison yard like a Frisbee. (Actually, that’d probably make me want to drink more.) Anyway, unless you plan on sneaking in some hooch or tarring the rooftop of the prison Shawshank-style, I don’t think you’ll have to worry about getting your hands on a nice cold one anytime soon.

Man up, Rep. Bob Ney and embrace the fact that you’re a crook that used the power of political office to achieve your own personal gains. Don’t hide behind a bottle of Jim Beam and tell us he made you do it. The sauce will get you into bed with some ugly people, but not corrupt ones.

-------------------------------------------------------------

I don’t see this trend waning anytime soon. The public loves to believe that for all of the creepy shit that our public figures do, there’s got to be a boogeyman behind them pulling the strings. In these cases, it’s alcohol. The public can forgive these men a little easier as long as they believe that their actions were out of their control due to the influence of alcohol. Alcoholism is a serious disease but I don’t think it changes who we are at our cores. If you’re an anti-Semite, pervert, or crook when you’re drunk, you’re most likely one when you’re sober.

And that guy who was born and educated in New England but claims himself to be a Texan? Well, he had a problem with booze, as well as cocaine, and he cleaned himself up pretty good. He managed to run a few companies into the ground, own a baseball team while duping the tax payers out of millions for a new stadium, become governor of Texas where he executed more people than any other governor during that time and even get himself into the White House through somewhat questionable means. I guess the rehab game works a lot better if you play it before you really begin to fuck things up.