In need of a well deserved break

While it's only 3:07 in the afternoon, I'm in need of a well deserved break. Actually, I just spent the last 20 minutes walking to another bank to cash a check, so I guess that was my break, but I'm ready for another one. In other words, I feel like going home.

But since I have to be here, I might as well appear to be working.

Many of my usual work-time distractions have dried up on me as of late. My consitent e-mail buddy just lost her job, my once steady train of e-mails between college friends has gone away, and all of my regular websites just aren't bringing the distractions like they used to. So, I've been forced to do actual work. (Re-read that: Actual. Work.) It's not so bad, though. I actually feel somewhat accomplished, which is a good thing - or so I'm told.

(I'm still trying to figure out when to use the dashes in a sentence. I'd usually settle for parentheses or a well placed comma or semicolon, but I want to start using dashes more. Hopefully I'm not screwing it up. But since there are only three of you who read this, what do I care?)

Ok... It's been 5 minutes since I started writing this. I think that' s good. A few trips to the bathroom and a stop down to the convenience store for a snack and it'll be 5:00 in no time.

(I just re-read this entire post and it's awful. I'm so, so sorry.)

Turkey in the Desert

I spent this past Thanksgiving in Phoenix visitng my sister and her boyfriend. The two of them invited the entire family (Mom, Stepdad, 5 brothers) to their place to eat turkey, watch football and relax. Oh, and to drink. A lot. It was great getting a chance to escape the gray skies of Ohio for cloudless ones of Arizona. And I guess seeing my entire family together in one place wasn't too bad either.

I flew out to Phoenix on Tuesday night, but not before switching planes in Las Vegas. I've been to Vegas once before and had a great time, which probably had a lot to do with being in the airport as little as possible. You see, the Vegas airport is an absolute hole. It's dirty, run down, and there are zero decent food stands. I had to wind up eating a pretzel dog (a hot dog wrapped inside a pretzel - brilliant!) for dinner and it cost me about nine bucks plus the Alka Selzer I wound up taking later that night. So if you ever go to Vegas, get out of that airport as fast as you can.

My brother and I flew out together so we shared a cab from the Phoenix airport to my sister's place. The rest of the family had arrived earlier that day, so we were left with the worst spots to sleep. I crashed on a paper thin mattress in the laundry room while my brother was left sleeping on some floor somewhere. I'll just make sure to send the chiropractor bill to my sister for all of the spinal adjustments I'll need.

On Wednesday, I went for a run and then toured downtown Tempe with a couple of my brothers. That night, we had dinner at a microbrewery where we kicked off the first of many drunken nights with the family. The one thing I love about my family is that nothing is off limits. Politics, sex, religion, drug use, alcohol use, run ins with the law, etc. are all fair game. Seeing as my mom and one brother are super-Republican and I'm an ultra-Democrat, it wasn't long before every single one of the aforementioned topics were brought up and debated. And by "debated" I mean "drunkenly shouted." Fortunately, all of the sharp silverware had been removed from the table so that we couldn't seriously injure each other.

After dinner, we dropped my youngest two brothers off at home and then went to some more bars in downtown Tempe. I thought the bars would've been more crowded seeing as the night before Thanksgiving is typically the busiest bar night of the year, but the college crowd must've gone home for the weekend. Way too much money later, we were cabbing it back home hoping that we didn't leave an open tab somewhere.

(This was also the night that I thought up the premise for a really good sitcom that isn't being done right now. If you work in TV and want to produce the next great American sitcom, let me know.)

Thanksgiving day was spent nursing a hangover, lying around the house, bitching about how long it was taking for dinner to be ready and watching football. My sister and brother cooked most of the meal and they did a fantastic job. I think I stopped after thirds because I still needed to save room for pie and booze. After dinner, we played a rousing game of Pictionary where I learned that it's really hard draw a picture for the word "Freedom". I wound up drawing an American flag, a soldier with a gun, Iraq, and an arrow from the American flag to Iraq. I thought it was a pretty good representation of freedom, but my family thought I was trying to draw the opening scene from "Full Metal Jacket" or something.

On Friday, the six kids went and sat for a family portrait at the Sears Portrait Studio. (That isn't even a joke. We actually did it.) My mom is really big on family photos, so instead of the six of us standing around waiting for our mom to focus her goddamn camera while we make fun of her, we went and got some professional photos taken and they actually came out pretty good. That night, we went to a Mexican restaurant where I had one of the best plates of Mexican food in my life. Good. Lord. If immigration reform means crappy, Americanized Mexican food, I might have to leave the country. Jesus, it was good.

Before flying back on Saturday, we hiked up Camelback Mountain, which is over in Scottsdale. Apparently, this is where beautiful people go to work out because 90% of the people climbing this mountain could've been models. I guess if you combine nice weather with physical activity, you get good looking people. This would explain why Cleveland is consistently one of the fattest cities in the country and the population of Phoenix looks like they just got back from a photo shoot for Fitness Magazine.

I must've brought the warm weather back with me because it was about 65 degrees and sunny on Sunday, which is unheard of in Cleveland this time of year. Global warming, schmobal warming. I'm sure it'll turn shitty again real soon, but it's nice to have extended warm weather at the end of November.

So that was my trip. I ate a lot, drank a lot, slept too little, and managed to survive my family for 4 days. If that doesn't sound like a good Thanksgiving, I don't know what does.

The Game

Tomorrow is the Ohio State - Michigan game which means I will be:

a.) an emotional wreck the entire time during the game
b.) drunk
c.) orgasmic if Ohio State wins
d.) suicidal if Ohio State loses
e.) hungover on Sunday

I plan on avoiding the sea of douchebaggery that is sure to inhabit every single bar in Cleveland and will instead watch the game at a friend's house while rocking my lucky OSU track jacket. I hope everyone does their part to bring good luck to the Buckeyes.

Oh, and RIP, Bo Schembechler. Hell of a time to die. You could've at least waited until after the game for the Buckeyes to break your heart.

Too soon?

Way.

Have a good weekend! I'll be back on Monday.

Chicago Recap: Part 2

(Read part 1 here)

When we last left off, I had written how I enjoyed an amazing dinner by myself in the hotel restaurant. After I was done eating, I went back up to my room to wait for Darin, Alyssa and Pam to arrive since they were staying with me on Friday night.

After sneaking them and all of their crap up to my room, the girls got ready while Darin and I had a tickle fight. (Kidding… sort of.) This lead to a running joke of seeing Alyssa without make up on and asking “Who’s the new girl?” or instructing her to “Go put your face on.” Most girls would take offense to this, but Alyssa is a tough skinned Polack, so she can roll with most of the punches thrown her way. She’s also been known to take a few (literal) punches so don’t mess with her.

As soon as everyone was ready, we made our way over to Wrigleyville to meet up with the rest of our friends. On the way there, Darin pulled over so I could throw out Pam’s half eaten Rueben that she got at Arby’s. (Personally, I would’ve gone with a roast beef sub, but that’s me.) As I was throwing it out, Alyssa handed up a nearly full Dr Pepper to Darin who in turn handed it to me. As I grabbed the top of the cup, the top ring collapsed causing the lid to fly off and all 23 flavors of Dr Pepper to spill all over my lap. Instead of saying “sorry” my asshole friends had a good laugh over this as I tried to clean up the 9th Ward-esque mess in my lap. (Too soon?) I put Alyssa “on notice” and let my rage boil slowly beneath the surface.

(This shit happens to me all of the time. Do you have that one friend that always gets stuff on him/her before they go out? That’s me. Every. Time.)

Anyway, we made it to Brad’s house and met up with everyone where I was greeted with the standard question of “Did you piss yourself on the way here?” I explained the “Incident” and was then forced to play the Evaporation Waiting Game. Thankfully, Dr Pepper dries fairly quickly and it doesn’t stain.

We hung around Brad’s place until everyone got there and then headed to a nearby bar. The bar was a lot like every other bar I went to except I was joined by about 15 friends from college. We have a pretty tight knit group of friends so it was nice to have everyone back together again. Beer was consumed, shots were ordered, and we made it back to the hotel by 2:30 before calling it a night.

Since the room only had one king sized bed, we went three-wide in it with Darin grabbing the dreaded middle spot. I’m not sure why Pam didn’t take the middle spot, but I’m guessing it has something to do with not wanting to play defense all night.

(The “playing defense” joke goes back to my buddy Kramer who first made it when I had to share a bed with him on Spring Break one year. Six years later and it still hasn’t gotten old.)

The next morning, we woke up and got ready but not before screaming a hearty “O-H” over the balcony. Fortunately, it was answered with an “I-O!” proving that Ohio State has the best fans in all of college football. Once we got back to Brad’s, we made our way to Casey Moran’s, a local bar that was providing shuttles (school buses) to and from the game in Evanston.

If you’re anything like me (witty and handsome), you probably haven’t been on a school bus in quite some time. Let me tell you about them. They are small. Really small. So small that a person 6 feet tall can not comfortably sit straight forward in a seat because there is only about 18 inches between the end of the seat and the back of the seat in front of it. In addition, this particular bus must have had an exhaust leak because I was getting lightheaded midway through the trip. It also didn’t help that the bus driver loved to jam on the brakes and took a very congested main road (read: not a highway) all the way up to Evanston. The bus was also filled to the brim with douchebags which definitely didn’t make matters any better. I was ready to ingest the cyanide caplet I always carry around with me with, but then the bus mercifully got us to the stadium.

The crowd at Ryan Field was probably 75% Ohio State fans, 20% Michigan fans, and 5% Northwestern fans. The game was a blowout, but the worst part about the experience, besides the freezing temperatures, was the fact that the stadium has foregone indoor plumbing and has instead opted for port-a-potties as the preferred method for its bathroom using public. Port-a-potties? WTF? Besides the fact that they are gross, unsanitary and dark, they also allow only one user at a time. This lead to tremendously long lines and a general sense of frustration and bladder discomfort. In order to not piss yourself, you had to get in line as soon as you felt like you even had to pee a little bit since you would definitely have to go once you finally made your way to the beginning of the line. So, I’m giving a big THUMBS DOWN to Northwestern’s stadium. I thought you guys were supposed to be the smart school of the Big 10.

The bus ride back was filled with high levels of confusion, douchebaggery and frustration. Thankfully, the bus dropped us off right back at the bar, so we picked up from where we left off.

The rest of the evening was divided between eating deep dish pizza back at Brad’s and heading to another bar where I had to open up a tab (ouch) but still found time to throw $8 in the jukebox so I could air guitar to “Welcome to the Jungle.” On the bright side, I was rocking an extremely awesome Ohio State track jacket that one bartender tried to buy off of me for $20. I declined her offer because I’ve grown quite attached to this jacket and every time I’ve worn it the Buckeyes have won the game. There’s no way I could’ve sold it right before the OSU/Michigan game. I mean, that would just be irresponsible on my part.

On Sunday, Brad and I went to brunch before he took me to the airport. I would like to commend Midway Airport for having more than 2 security screening lines, which allowed me to move through security fairly quickly. Now, if you guys could let Cleveland in on your little secret, I’d greatly appreciate it.

All in all, it was a great weekend and since this thing is approaching two full pages in Word, I’m going to cut it off without a witty summary sentence. Sorry about that.

Chicago Recap: Part 1

This past weekend, I visited the Windy City not only for work, but also for play. A few months ago, a friend of mine in Chicago came up with the idea to have all of our college friends come into town for the Ohio State/Northwestern game, which was being played in Evanston, just north of the city. Seeing as I love a.) the Ohio State Buckeyes b.) the city of Chicago and c.) the opportunity to party in any place besides Cleveland, I made plans to head to the land of deep dish pizza for a weekend of pigskin and partying.

And then fate intervened.

As part of my job, I have the opportunity to travel to all of our sites around the footprint. It just so happens that my company has a site in Chicago. Being the clever little monkey that I am, I figured that I could probably combine the two trips and get work to help me get me out there in the process.

What I didn’t want to do was violate any ethical rules, so I cleared it with my boss and she said that the company would fly me out there and put me up for one night in a hotel. I almost did a back flip out of her office because my original plan was to drive out there with friends and then sleep on someone’s couch/floor/foot of bed/front porch or any other free area. Even though I had to work, this was definitely an upgrade.

I flew out of Cleveland on Friday morning and was scheduled to land at 9:00 Chicago-time and be at the office by 10:00 for a meeting. The fine folks at Southwest decided to burn a little more fuel than necessary and circle the city a few times while waiting for clearance from the tower to land. Didn’t they know who I was? I am a project manager/business analyst from Cleveland and I have important business to conduct! You will land this plane immediately!

I managed to keep this bit of internal monologue to myself seeing as I didn’t feel like dealing with the Department of Homeland Security. Again. By law, I’m not allowed to talk about that story, but it involves a man named Hamzid, an eyeglass repair kit, and several million dollars worth of uncut diamonds.

Anyway… So I landed about an hour late and then hopped in a cab to meet up with the team in Chicago.

I could bore you with writing about “work stuff” but it really isn’t worth it. You guys (both of you) don’t come here to read about “work stuff” do you? Didn’t think so. But there was one guy I met with who looked like he had an inch and a half booger on his shirt all day. It was one of those ones that after you blow your nose and look in to the Kleenex (yeah, like you don’t do this) you wonder how something that big was able to amass itself in your nasal cavity. When you were younger, you would’ve wiped something like this on a younger brother or sister. Well, this guy had one on his shirt the entire day and no one said a word to him. That was the highlight of the working part of my trip.

After wrapping up some meetings, I made my way out to the hotel and got settled. Since I had to wait for some friends to meet me there, I couldn’t really go out. Plus, in addition to the pouring rain outside there were 45 mph gusts of wind kicking around Chicago. Sweet. So, I went down to the restaurant in the hotel and had a nice steak and a few glasses of wine for dinner. By myself.

I have no problem eating by myself as long as I have something to do, like read the newspaper or watch TV. The one TV was about 30 feet away and I couldn’t read the closed captioning. I also failed to bring a newspaper because I thought I could sit at the bar and catch a game or something. So, I sat at a table in the bar and in between squinting at the TV and text messaging my friends the same message (“I’m eating at a hotel restaurant by myself. Love, Willy Loman.”), I tried to look like I wasn’t a complete loser. Of course, after my second glass of wine I really didn’t care. Just as I was about to start carving my name in the table, my food arrived and I devoured what might have been one of the top 3 steaks I have ever had. Good. Lord. You could’ve cut this thing with a fork. Good work, hotel restaurant.

When the check came, I was ready to hand over my credit card and settle up, but I noticed that you could just write down your room number and they would add it to your bill when you checked out of the hotel. I can understand why the hotel would do this, but what’s to stop someone (me) from putting down a random room number, signing the check, and then walking away? From what I gather, nothing. I filled out the receipt, stuffed it back into the folder and walked away.

I’d love to tell you that I put in another room number, but I didn’t since I’m not a terrible person. But, if there are any terrible people reading this thing (and you know who you are), if you ever want to eat for free, go into a hotel and try and pull this scam. I’m guessing it would work 95% of the time.

It looks like I’ll have to write Part 2 tomorrow, so stay tuned.

Bathroom ettiquette, Chicago, Britney, Boss's boss, Boo

Sorry I've been gone for a while. I have been surprisingly busy at work and I've been feeling less than inspired to do anything creative. That being said, I will soldier on like the brave little blogger that I am so that you, the reading masses, can enjoy my inner most thoughts.

----------

What the fuck is up with people not flushing the toilet in the bathroom?

I honestly have no idea how you can be a working professional and still leave piss in the pisser or shit in the shitter. Do these people do this at home? How can you forget to flush? Quite frankly, it's mind-boggling.

----------

I'm heading out on another business trip to Chicago this weekend, but I've also managed to combine it with a personal trip. Nice. Basically, my company will pay for me to fly out there, stay in a hotel for one night and then fly back on Sunday. I'm on my own for my Saturday night accomodations and since every hotel in Chicago is booked on Saturday night, I'll be curled up on the couch of one of my friends or be forced to sleep in a bus station. I'd obviously prefer the former, but the latter would make a great blog entry.

Anyway, the personal side of my trip will be hanging out with college friends and attending the Ohio State - Northwestern game on Saturday afternoon. I'm a little bummed that it isn't a night game, but on the plus side this means I won't be blacked out and I'll actually remember the game. If the Buckeyes put up another stinker this week, I'm putting them on notice.

----------

Did you guys hear Britney is back on the market? Fan-freakin'-tastic. I've always had a thing for twice-divorced, moms with poor choice in men.

Listen, Brit. If you're looking for a nice, Midwestern guy to knock the Marlboro Red out of your mouth while giving you tips on how to keep your kids from growing up too screwed up, give me a call.

----------

I had a meeting with my boss's boss yesterday and he was in a bad mood. I managed to escape unscathed and I'd tell you more, but if they ever find out I write this thing, I want as little incriminating evidence against me as possible.

Nevertheless, it was an interesting meeting and he told me I was doing a good job, so there's that.

----------

No one brought in leftover Halloween candy this year. No. One.

You have no idea how upset this made me. Of course, someone brought in a box of Dunkin Donuts Munchkins yesterday so it kind of made up for it.

But still... No leftover Halloween candy? Awful.

----------

I have to keep this short since I have to prepare for my trip tomorrow. And by "prepare" I mean having enough things to talk about so I don't look like I went all the way out to Chicago just to introduce myself. That would not be a good thing.

Anyway, have a good weekend and look for a Chicago recap when I come back.

Words of Advice

If you have a blog in which you routinely exaggerate for the sake of comedic effect, do not share it with someone you recently started dating. Just trust me on this.

My blog readership probably expanded from 3 readers to 4 readers with that 4th reader being someone I just started dating. Thinking that there wasn't anything too self incriminating on here, I sent her the link.

Dumb. Dumb. Dumb.

Turns out, my writing style doesn't necessarily coincide with the "nice guy" image I try to portray when dating someone. Imagine that.

Anyway, this'll probably get me in trouble too. I'm off to touch a hot stove.