The Costanza Test

Perhaps the hallmark for all lazy office workers is Seinfeld’s own George Costanza. When not unemployed, Costanza epitomizes the incompetent, dimwitted, unmotivated office dweller inside all of us.

George Costanza had several office rules which he lived by. I will now see how closely I follow the Rules of Costanza and in turn, figure out once and for all how close I am to actually being fired.

1. Never walk without a document in your hands. I’d say I’m about 50/50 on this one. Since the printer is right outside my office door and the only other place I walk to is the bathroom, this is a tough one to pull off. ½ Point

2. Use computers to look busy. Seeing as I’m typing this at work in Microsoft Word, I’d say this counts. 1 point

3. Messy Desk. On my desk right now I have at least three assorted piles of paper, a calculator, a cell phone, several pens and an empty cup of coffee. I have also scribbled down notes on the whiteboard next to me and have various manuals scattered around the credenza behind me. Why stop at the desk when you can just have a messy office? A messy desk equals a busy desk. 1 point

4. Use voicemail. Since part of my actual job is helping people with various issues, I can’t let the phone go to voicemail too often. I will, however, respond to a voicemail with an e-mail, which makes my response all the more impersonal. ½ point

5. Look impatient and annoyed. Costanza equates looking impatient and annoyed with looking busy. Since I’m a pretty pleasant fellow, I have a hard time pulling this off. Fortunately, I performed in an off Broadway production of Glengarry Glen Ross, so I can pull this off. 1 point

6. Leave the office late. If our IT department didn’t keep track of internet usage, I could probably get away with kicking around YouTube until 6:00 every day. But my boss explicitly told me that she’s not a clock watcher, so I’m pretty much out the door by 5:01 on the button. 0 points

7. Creative sighing for effect. Using a sigh around a large group of people signifies stress, which equates to being busy. Once again, I can’t say that I ever do this mostly because people would know I’m faking it since I pretty much assume they know I’m not that busy to begin with. I would need a Meg Ryan in When Harry Met Sally performance to pull of a faking job this big. 0 points

8. Stacking Strategy. In concert with the messy desk is stacking various binders and manuals on the floor, creating the messy office appearance. I think I covered this in Rule 3, but I’m going to give myself another point anyway. Costanza would. 1 point

9. Build vocabulary. Use business jargon and information about new products around the boss to make it seem like you have even the slightest bit of intelligence. Since I’m a pretty well read individual, I generally know what I’m talking about and when to use my 720 SAT verbal score to good use. 1 point

10. Don’t forward this to your boss by mistake. I think my boss might actually find this funny. Her boss – not so much. 0 points

Final Score: 6/10

So, I guess I have less Costanza in me than I thought. But now I’ve got something to work on. I mean, besides my actual job of course.

I’ll try to be slightly more original later this week since this idea has been done to death, but I needed something to do before 5:01.