A Guide to Halloween Candy

Everyone loves Halloween for many reasons, (girls dressing like skanks, parties, mutilation of pumpkins, etc.) but I love the candy. Well, besides the girls dressed like skanks. That should be a given. Anyway, since I have no kids of my own, I’m left with two choices on how to get my annual fill of fun sized, sugary goodness. I can buy candy, hand it out and keep the leftovers or count on my co-workers to bring in their leftovers. Obviously, I prefer the latter.

Since I haven’t bought any candy yet, the only thing I’m going to find in the store is shitty candy like Smarties and those gross knock off M&Ms in the clear plastic sleeves. Sick. Not only will the trick or treaters in my neighborhood scoff in disgust at my pithy offerings, but now I’m stuck with shitty candy leftovers. This is not good.

But, if I buy no candy and wait for my co-workers to bring in their leftovers, I save money and get good candy. It’s a win/win in my book. And by not handing out candy, I’m helping to combat the childhood obesity epidemic currently plaguing this country. See? Everybody wins. Especially me.

However, if I’m relying solely on my co-workers to give me my fix this year, I have to hope that their leftovers meet my standards of what constitutes good Halloween candy. Here’s my list of Do’s and Don’ts for Halloween candy:

DO: Go for the good stuff. You can never go wrong with Snickers and Reese Cups.
DON’T: Cheap out with Smarties, little gross M&M knock offs, or Now and Laters.
DO: Have an assortment of both chocolate based candy (Baby Ruth, Butterfinger, M&Ms, etc.) and fruit based candy (Starbursts, Skittles, etc.).
DON’T: Hand out actual fruit. Terrible.
DO: Be generous. One fun sized Snickers is not fun. Three or four are.
DON’T: Place a bowl on the stairs with a sign that says “Please take one.” That’s just lazy.
DO: Drink while handing out candy. If it’s a nice night, sit outside with a cooler of beer and get faced.
DON’T: Dress up as a scarecrow and sit completely still on your porch and then scare little kids as they come up for candy. I’m sure your neighbors don’t want to be cleaning up the shit out of their kids Halloween costumes later that night.

Top 5 Best Halloween Candy

Snickers – The gold standard of candy bars. Chocolate, nougat, peanuts, caramel. Awesome. Milky Ways lose points because of no peanuts and 3 Musketeers only have the nougat, which is very uncreative.

Reese Cups – If you get two individual Reese Cups it’s the equivalent of a full size package you would get at the store. No other fun size candy can do this. You’d have to weld together 3 or 4 fun size Snickers to make a full one. Plus, frozen Reese Cups rule.

Baby Ruth – I don’t think I’ve ever eaten a regular size Baby Ruth, but the fun size versions are awesome. Lots of peanuts and caramel and other stuff in there. It’s like a more bad ass Snickers.
Twix – It’s the only candy with the cookie crunch. And you can also eat 20 of them without getting sick.

Kit Kat – I have no idea what is inside a Kit Kat, but it’s good. It’s some kind of wafer – I know that much – but that’s about it. Oh, and if you get two of these it makes a full size Kit Kat, so I guess I lied up in #2.

Top 5 Worst Halloween Candy

Smarties – Yes, you can grind them up and snort them like they were cocaine; I think. Anyway, they all taste the same: gross. Plus, they leave a terrible aftertaste in the back of your throat. Not good times. If you hand out Smarties you deserve to be punched in the neck.

Dum Dum Pops – “Hi, I’d like a quarter ounce of hard candy on a cardboard stick, please.” You also run the risk of getting a pina colada flavored sucker. The only people that like pina colada flavored anything are old people. They’re called Dum Dum Pops for a reason.

Red Hots – What’s the point? Leave the Red Hots where they belong – in hell.

Individually Wrapped Life Savers – These are Dum Dum Pops without the sticks. The only thing they’re good for is licking them and then putting them on car windows, which is what will happen to you if you hand these out.

Sweet Tarts – The older brother of Smarties. You only get two to a packet and that’s two too many. If I wanted to chew on something dry and sour, I’d eat a spoonful of baking powder.

So that’s your guide to Halloween candy. Follow it wisely.

I’ll be going to a party at a bar tonight dressed as Brandon Flowers, the singer from The Killers.

Somebody told me, that you had a boyfriend...

It’s a pretty non-descript costume - vintage suit and eyeliner - but I’m lazy and uncreative so that’s what I’m going as. It should be plenty of drunken fun. I just hope someone is bringing in Snickers tomorrow. I’m going to need them.